The French Art of Spending Time with Friends

I recently realized another big difference between American friendships and French friendships that made a big impact on me. It's the art of spending time doing nothing in particular with friends. Let me explain...

Since being back in France, the usual activities of meeting with friends and family on a regular basis have recommenced. Having people over for lunch, dinner or apero, visiting friends for the weekend in the south of France and having friends visit us in Paris for the weekend as well. Upon reflecting over the time we've spent with friends, I realized that the two main activities with them are simply talking and eating. I say "simply" not because these two acts are boring or unimportant, but because of their brilliant simplicity yet profound impact on the relationships with friends.

When I think back over the past few months, I must have spent dozens of hours just talking with friends over a good meal. Admittedly, I didn't understand everything as I'm still learning French, but I am definitely beginning to understand more and able to participate more in the conversations. In contrast, when I reflect back on my experiences with friends and get-togethers in America they almost always involved going out to a restaurant or coffee place, for about two hours, brushing over the latest updates and changes in our lives. At the time, I always assumed this was "normal" in that this is the way friendships are everywhere. On the rare occasions that I might visit with someone overnight or for the weekend, it always involved some sort of planned activity. Going to a movie, out to a restaurant of course or window shopping. Now that is not to say these things are bad. I rather enjoy all of them in fact. However, what strikes me is that in France the primary focus of getting together is to talk about one's life in a deep way. To share your struggles, your joys, your hopes and dreams, your frustrations, observations, etc. C'est tout. At no point does anyone ask, "so what are we doing this weekend/this evening?" It's just expected that the main focus and activity is to talk.

Of course the other part of this is the eating part which I've become quite good at and enjoy thoroughly. In fact, cooking for our family and friends is becoming a newly discovered passion and joy for me that I never knew before. It's a big way that French people show their love and affection for one another as well as just being a pleasurable activity. And so, a meal can typically last for hours as friends take their time eating while telling stories and finding out about each other's lives. There's no focus on the clock or pressure to finish at a certain time because someone has an appointment to get to or another activity scheduled later in the day. When you spend time with friends and family-- that's the activity. Plain and simple.

And so, during a typical weekend with friends we typically don't leave the apartment at all. We live in a wonderful part of Paris, mind you, with lots to do and see in walking distance, but in the end, the best moments have been just sharing time together talking. When we are feeling particulary "crazy" we might play a board game, watch a movie with everyone on our bed (this is pretty funny), or my favorite which we recently did with friends spontaneously-- dance.

At the end of the evening, it's not uncommon for us to have a few different friends staying over at the same time or someone might spontaneously decide to spend the night rather than having to take the metro home, and so we just open up the pull-out couch and wish them "bonne nuit." In the morning we prepare pain au chocolate or brioche and some cafes and recommence the main activity of talking.

By the end of the evening or the weekend, you've essentially done "nothing" in particular, yet for me, these are some of the best moments and memories and part of the French art of being with friends.

Comments

[frank gillian]

Great article! I think there are great ways to meet people, one of which is to go to the website http://www.singleinparis.com

There's information about cool places to take a date in Paris, tips on grooming and dating, and advice on both traditional and online dating for English speaking singles in Paris... get out there and make a connection!