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4 mars 2012

Les Amitiés- Friendships in France

The topic of "friendships" has become an increasingly interesting cultural difference for me to discover in France over the past few months. The French have two types of friends, "Les Copains" and "Les Amis." "Les Copains" are the people you see once in a while to have coffee, go to a movie or to do activities with, but the relationship tends to be more superficial and more for the companionship. "Les Amis" are the people with whom you have a deeper relationship. In France, to become someone's "ami," typically takes a longer period of time and the person is "tested" in different ways to determine if they are trustworthy, reliable, supportive, etc. These are not formal tests of course, but they happen naturally over a period of time where both people are mutually involved in each other's lives and offer reciprocal support. An "ami" is someone you can talk to about everything going on in your life, is  someone who is there for you in an emergency and is someone who doesn't think twice about helping you when you need it. While becoming an "ami" may take longer, once you develop this kind of friendship with someone, it tends to be for a very long time, if not a lifetime.

In America, of course, we have similar concepts of "acquaintances, "friends" and "best friends," but what is interesting to me are the differences between "best friends" and "amis." I realize I am making some pretty big generalizations about American culture with this topic, but I think my observations are true on a larger scale. The difference being that friendships in America develop more quickly, but can end as quickly as they started as well. Americans seem to enjoy boasting about the amount of "friends" they have or the amount of people they know, but in reality, they may be more superficial. Additionally, in America, calling on a friend at any hour of the night, or asking them for help in an emergency or during a difficult time, is not something I believe is typically done, and if it is, there will be a lot of guilt involved in asking a friend for this kind of help. To me, Anglo-American friendships tend to have more boundaries and to require more "personal space" whereby you don't demand too much of your friends, you don't typically share everything about your life and you don't call on each other for emergencies. Again, I realize these are large generalizations, and I use the term "Anglo-American" friendships because I think with other ethnicities in America this is probably different. However, I believe with Anglo-American culture, we tend to be more concerned with not "burdening" our friends and with keeping certain things private about our lives. Consequently, while the friendships can be lifelong, the depth of these relationships may not be as deep. I also feel that in Anglo-America, the importance of the family unit as well as friendships are not as important. Although America typically talks about "family values," in reality, America is a nation more concerned with money and consumerism. Again these are generalizations, but as a culture, America is less relationship-oriented and is more goal-oriented. Consequently, developing and maintaining friendships has a different level of importance in daily American life.

This difference can show up in subtle, but powerful ways as well. For example, in France, it's typical to get together with friends and to converse for several hours about all kinds of topics both personal and general. It is also typical to spend several hours during a visit without having another engagement or appointment scheduled right after. Friends are also invited to each others homes for meals, or at the very least, to have coffee and some sort of dessert they have made for the visit. This was a shock for me to realize, since in America, I've always been used to getting together with friends at a restaurant or a coffee shop and preparing something from scratch for a friend is even more rare. I've also noticed that getting together with friends in France is more spontaneous. It's not unusual for a friend to call up a few hours or sometimes just minutes ahead, and to ask to get together or if they can stop by. Similarly, asking to stay a few nights is not a big deal either when a friend is visiting from out of town, and this can also happen spur of the moment. For me, this initially took a little getting used to as I had grown used to my American system of boundaries and scheduling ahead of time, but I now rather like this way of life, and feel it makes for more relaxed and spontaneous interactions.

The frequency of the contact between "amis" in France also seems to be more frequent and consistent than in America. Whether by phone, e-mail, text or Facebook, friends keep in regular contact with each other to ask about what is going on in each other's lives and seem to show a deeper interest. Additionally and most endearingly, the famous, "bisous" or "kiss" will always be given at the end of each contact between friends as well as another "bisou" for the friend's boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse and children. It's a small difference between French and American culture where one might typically say, "talk to you later," or "take care," at the end of a conversation, but it's these small differences, I believe, that add something extra to the interactions and ultimately to the relationships as a whole.

I know I will possibly be labeled as "anti-American," a "communist" or at the very least I will piss some people off by saying all of this, but I think there is something to be learned from these cultural differences. For me, the idea of strong friendships and family relationships is very important, so why not learn and adopt things from another culture when you like what you see. Just something to think about.

 

 

 

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M
The author of this article is totally correct! Would take french amis any day over economic hustling americaines. Their eyes darting as they got dollar signs dancing in their heads or tons of debt to repay. The only thing most americaines care about is money, expansion, and getting more money. Every relationship was about sussing each other up for a financial motive/hustling permutation. Hyper competition, rugged individualism, I got mine attitudes, and what's in it for me were the failed empire's mottos.
R
I realize this is an old post, I just figured I would share some input anyways. I am from the mid west, but have spent time all over the country. It all depends on where you are in the United States. In my experience I have the relationships you describe as a "French friendship". Spontaneity, having many hours of personal conversation, and having friends over for meals is what I call close friendships. Your descriptions of friendships in America are actually acquaintances. If you only meet at very scheduled times and in public places you are called a friend but are actually just an acquaintance. Most people are aware of these unspoken social structures but in a culture of people afraid to hurt feelings, we call everyone friends. It would actually be an insult to introduce someone as an acquaintance.
F
kale is cool
U
Excellent commentary, and spot on!
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